24.10.2012

Hi~ here again. Life is too bored to just blogging about mood.

Ah ha! Saw my UK friend appear on Penang Beach Street while I was driving to office, WHAT A BIG SURPRISE! My god! Couldn't stop but fb her as soon as I reached office. U couldn't believe how excited I am to see her in Penang! Her hometown ain't here! How lucky I am! This is faith! Know each other in UK but again bumped into each other in a State that she hardly appear!

Hmm, got bad news ytd, not the news that he couldn't show up, and of course I will never blame on him. It's just my imagination. I told myself, this weekend will be the last time I meet him and text him. I gave myself a deadline before I being cruel to myself. Hmm, seems like god wants me to start it early by stop those hopes immediately! okay~ not meeting him already, maybe for the next few years or whatever, it's time to be cruel to myself and face the sadness, bear the pain that will come continuously until I used to it.

Still, I miss him, his warm arm and everything. text. He always brings me security. Even on the most painful day, I felt so calm and secure after he said that sentence. I even thought I have given up at that moment because I wasn't that pain. But, after he sent me to my car and turned, I heard my heart splitting, my body cracking, I cried, I felt that pain, I thought I am dying for a second, I thought it was just a dream like I used to have and when I woke up everything is still that wonderful. How powerful can a man be, to make me trust him like I never do. How strong is it, my love. He just doesn't know how pain would it be if I lost him. Its okay, maybe it's a good thing. He won't feel sorry at least, I am not pity in his eyes at least. I do miss the security he gave me. I do miss the me in front of him. I do miss the smile I always put on when I am with him, even just texting. I do miss the comfort even we were just laying and doing nothing. I do miss the me, the real me perhaps.

Can I know when was it, my last real smile? In Bali? The day before I left to UK after a month break? Or the moment when we hugging each other after a tiring cycling? Maybe, it's when we holding hands and wandering along Strait Quay. How long already, I stop going there for a walk, that was our favourite place after a day. I scare I will cry, I scare I will remember every details, I scare I will be seeing you by my side when I am walking along. As you know, my imagination s good enough to have illusion.

Kit Kit, I miss you =)

HAHA, I know you won't read this! hehe So good to have an 'x' that will not be looking at his 'x''s blog!

The cross is just too pain to be written down.